Looking to earn some extra coin this summer? Interested in new opportunities? Want to get in early on a successful business? Look no further than these 5 new pyramid schemes that you’re totally missing out on:
No Whey! Protein Bars
You guessed it: No Whey! protein bars contain no whey at all. If you didn’t know, whey is the liquid remaining after milk has been curdled and strained – and if you’re vegan, that’s just not an option. No Whey! protein bars are not the only product of its kind to exclude whey, they’re just the first to mention it up front. It’s called marketing, and these things are going to sell like crazy. So get in on the hype! Boxes of 20 bars sell for $400 a piece. If you front the cost, you make $50 per case sold, which should be no problem if you’re popular to local fitness amateurs.
Dr. DiGiordano’s DIY Botox Kits
Botox is simple. You don’t need a doctor, just the right ingredients. You can fix your face in your own bathroom with a customized set of needles and formulas. Customers must follow a strict set of instructions and sign a lengthy disclaimer that removes all liability. Sales people get their own product for free, as long as they film themselves trying it out to create user-generated content for the social media team. It’s high risk and high reward, and we all know that everyone who is rich has had to take some risks. This product is brand new, and the earlier you get in on it, the more money you have potential to make!
Have you ever wanted to feel like you just took a nap, without actually taking a nap? If you start your weekends drinking at 10 AM, you know exactly what we’re talking about. Napium pills will have you feeling rested, recharged, and ready to party like a rockstar. Though Napium is not FDA-approved, it should be*. We know the government is pretty unreliable with these things, we just have to mention that upfront. It’s still fully legal, and you can sell it door to door in the suburbs while making a killing! Doses are $20 a pop, and sell in packs of 10. Sales reps get an unlimited lifetime supply and a 2% cut on each sale! Get in quick on this pyramid scheme and get rich.
*Common side effects include extreme drowsiness 7 hours after consumption, potential kidney failure, nausea, heartburn, and insomnia.
Chetsway Motorcycle Roadside Assistance
Look out AAA, there’s a new travel companion in town. Chetsway presents prospective small-business owners with the opportunity to sell something everyone needs: roadside assistance services for motorcycles and small ATVs! Chetsway is only available in Rhode Island, Virginia, Arizona, New Mexico, and South Dakota, but is gearing up to expand to Montana and Idaho in Q4. Their 24 hour roadside assistance team is available from 9am-3pm Monday-Thursday to send towing vehicles out to the field 24 hours a week, and this is an easy pitch for any bikers and hog-heads in the family who find themselves unprepared for what the road brings.
Sweet Mama’s Beans
Sweet Mama Jane of Casstown has finally decided to start selling her beans, famous at the annual Taste of Casstown. Everyone in Casstown LOVES Sweet Mama’s beans, and now you can too! At the low price of $20,000, investors can get in on the ground floor and start making a difference in people’s lives. These magic beans are purported to improve eyesight, relieve pain, decrease blood pressure, and cause vivid hallucinations that, according to her loyal customers, “will absolutely melt your balls off.” Those interested in this global business opportunity are asked to meet under the ash tree in the Casstown Cemetery at 9pm for an introductory trip
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