Pardon my opinion, but this weather could kill us all. I tell you, back in my day, it never got this hot. We never had to sweat. Lemonade stands were just “aesthetic” to glorify summer (thanks, Minute Maid) and tornadoes only existed in the movies. But now, things are different, and I think we are all going to die.

There are many signs of impending doom in Miami County. I was just reading David Lindeman’s totally-not-boring piece, “Enough with the tornadoes,” on how there “sure seems like we’re getting a lot more of them than we used to.” I agree with David. Neither of us are going to do the math, but it “seems” like this is happening more than usual. 

What really scares me is that David stated “every year for the past few years, our grandchildren have visited us in June, and it seems like every time they show up, the tornadoes follow them.” I think he’s onto something. Are the children really going to put us all in danger? What does Greta Thunberg have to say about this? Maybe we should just ban children from entering Miami County. Robin Oda, please do something.

The heat is a whole different topic. Tornadoes appear more threatening, but this heat is nothing to laugh about. We predicted that the Great Miami River will expand and break the levee this year, and with the disasters in Yellowstone, I think the levee has never been closer to collapsing. We’ve been predicting this for years, and I’m holding receipts to remind everyone that we warned you all.  

Another concern is that the Oblivion Gate outside of Tipp City has recently reopened, leading to temperature increases and servants of Mehrunes Dagon infiltrating the city, causing an immediate threat to locals. The gate is still open and chaos is ensuing within city limits as I write this.

There’s only one man who can save us all: local shaman Jim O’Doul. He has not been seen for several months, since locals pointed fingers and blamed him for the strange phenomena which has kept Fletcher stuck in 2021. This is my last straw with cancel culture, as our community alienated an innocent shaman who is our only hope for survival.

So yeah, this weather could kill us all. We do hope to live to see another week, so please subscribe so we can occupy your attention a few more times before we’re all incinerated!