TROY – On Thursday, locals ransacked the entirety of Kroger Marketplace in Troy. The surge began Wednesday night, with customers aggressively targeting white bread and toilet paper. The madness quickly escalated through social media, sending hundreds of locals to claim their store-bought goods and save themselves from the wrath of winter.
Roughly 3,696 customers entered the store within a 10 hour window, with the entire store being out of stock by 2 PM on Tuesday. Only Juanita’s Foods Menudo remains on the shelves because nobody is quite sure what that actually is.
“That was a historic day for our business,” said Winston Schneiderbacher of Kroger. “I feel bad for anyone who couldn’t get in on the action.”
The Miami County Health Department issued a warning to locals that the excess groceries purchased by Kroger customers will be spoiled within a few weeks, adding a foul stench in the air similar to New Orleans after Hurricane Ida.
“We don’t want the whole county to smell like Piqua. So please consume perishable foods so we don’t have it all spoiling in our streets at once.” said public health commissioner Gary Phylipis. “When things start to smell that bad, people really lose their marbles. After the “blizzard” of ‘94, we saw thousands of packages of raw, molding meats line the streets. The sanitarium ended up having to shut down. It was really a rough scene.”
The outage is leaving other locals to resort to Meijer, an inferior grocery store that still has all essential items in stock. Unfortunately, Meijer may have missed out on the action since there has only been 6 inches of snow.
In the meantime, Kroger plans to celebrate the extremely profitable day by dropping one random care package of toilet paper and cat food into the suburbs. Be sure to look out for a large crate falling from the sky, as Kroger has not announced where the crate will be dropped.
A new shipment has been confirmed to be arriving on Sunday, so shoppers will still have plenty of time to gather supplies for buffalo chicken dip before the Super Bowl. Stay subscribed to the Miami County Bugle Caller for updates on all things winter weather.