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Miami County Commissioners Authorize Purchase of Totally Bad-Ass Killdozer

TROY – During their regular Thursday meeting, the Miami County Commissioners met to authorize the purchase of a new vehicle for the Miami County Sheriff’s Office.

The vehicle in question is a Komatsu D355A modified with the exact specifications as the Killdozer used by Marvin Heemeyer in his infamous rampage. During the meeting, vice president of the commission Ted Mercer stated, “Holy shit, that thing fucking rules.”

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The president, Gregory Simmons, responding to Mercer’s comment, stated the new vehicle, “totally kicks ass” and that “they should buy 5 of those fuckers.”

Commission member Wade Westfall remained quiet throughout the exchange. He instead opted to submit a hand-drawn picture of himself riding in the killdozer for the official record for the meeting. In the picture, it appears Westfall is running over pedestrians on his way to the commission chambers.

A crudely drawn image of the killdozer with knife blades sticking out of the shovel, and flames shooting out the back, made by Commissioner Westfall
Westfall’s hand-drawn rendering of the new police vehicle

 

In his filing for the new piece of equipment, Sheriff Dave Duchak claimed the modified bulldozer would be “totally bitching” and could take up to three hours of sustained gunfire at point-blank range.

This then prompted Simmons to ask, “what if the thugs have 5 hours of bullets?” Simmons then proceeded to shout “pew, pew pew” while miming machine gun fire around the room. After 15 seconds, Westfall and Mercer joined in with their own gunfire noises. After 5 minutes, the Commissioners signed the authorization and left the room before time for public comment.

Reporters at the meeting attempted to find anyone willing to speak against the killdozer. However, they only found citizens excited by the prospect of this tool being seen on the streets. Notorious Tinder match Jamie Houvens agreed with Simmon’s comments. He added that, “it would be rad if it was all matte black, like a balls-to-the-wall stealth tank”.

We’re standing by for the delivery of the killdozer on February 12. Stay subscribed to the Miami County Bugle Caller for more local reporting on slick-as-hell killing machines.

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Philip Kratzenberg

Politics editor-at-large, Miami County Bugle Caller. Avid runner, political junkie, father of twelve. Running to find the truth

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