Today is technically the last day to submit crazy 2022 predictions for Miami County, so we figured we’d give it a shot. We’ve really got nothing to lose at this point. Here’s our official list:
1. The Miami River Will Expand and Break the Levee
We previously reported that the Miami River would expand 1 mile by 2040 and swallow downtown Troy. By those calculations, the river would stretch at a pace of roughly 260 feet per year. 2022 is the year where damage is expected to get absolutely brutal. Climate change deniers have been quiet throughout winter 2021, and mother nature really wants to kick their asses while they’re down.
2. Hard Balls Casino Will Finally Be Erected in Piqua
In 2019, the Miami County Bugle Caller reported that the Piqua Mall would be demolished and replaced by Hard Balls Casino. Though legal complications have delayed the process, the project is slated to kick off at some point in 2022. You heard it here first, and it won’t be the last – because when that wrecking ball hits, it’s going to rock the entire county baby!
3. Fletcher Will Get Permanently Stuck in 2021
A recent time freeze in Fletcher has kept the town roughly one week behind the rest of the real world. The Miami County Bugle Caller Research and Discovery Unit (MCBCRDU) previously believed that the town was a Twilight Zone-esque realm where nobody is real. Now, they predict that the exposure of this time freeze phenomena will erase any chance of the town having a “future.”
4. Robin Oda Will Resign from Office
Robin Oda is getting bored. Nobody in Troy wants to work, anti-masking is no longer a lifestyle, and Troy has become more Troy-ified than it ever needed to be. It’s time to retire before the rumors that she is a Santa fangirl who hates children gets her “cancelled.”
5. Tipp City Taco Bell Will Receive Michelin Star
Recently featured in our 2021 Public Restroom Power Rankings, the Tipp City Taco Bell continues to reign supreme – or dare I say, Chalupa Supreme? Our free publicity has done them wonders, and they’re definitely not paying us to hype it up. Everyone needs to stop by today to try the Grilled Cheese Burrito while supplies last, only $3.59 at the Tipp City location!
6. Four New Vape Shops Will Open in Piqua
What’s more Piqua than stashing enough vape juice to create an entire cloud over the city? There’s already enough vapor to explain the town’s strange smell, but locals can’t get enough of the juice. Recent public health surveys reported that Piqua residents are 78% more likely to vape than locals from other Miami County towns. Roughly 65% of Piquans over aged 12 consume nicotine on a daily basis, and the demand for more vape stores has skyrocketed to close out 2021. Buy in now before vaping mandates scare away the youth!
Now that you’ve read our 2022 predictions for Miami County, feel free to leave a comment with yours! You’ve probably got nothing to lose either, right?
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