MIAMI COUNTY – It’s no secret that Santa hates Miami County children. The hatred has grown stronger year after year, with Santa finally announcing that he will skip Miami County this Christmas.
On Thursday, Chancellor Robin Oda of Troy received a letter from the North Pole stating that Santa will not be passing through due to “the rotten nature of Miami County children.”
The letter specifically mentioned Santa’s distaste for the children’s toy requests, citing items such as “Fortnite Tokens” and “Mommy’s credit card” as unacceptable gifts. Now, Christmas is on hold for the indefinite future.
Oda, an avid Christmas celebrator and Santa fangirl, now hates children as a result of the decision.
“They’re almost as bad as Mike DeWine,” says Oda. “They’ve really pooped on the party this time around. Or, however that saying goes.” Later in the day, Oda dumped a pile of coal on the porch of a local orphanage and lit it on fire.
Oda has since proposed a ban on all toy sales within city limits in order to, “really stick it to those shits.” The ban goes before the Council of Lords next Wednesday.
The Alliance of Abandoned Mall Santas of Miami County (AAMSMC) is putting on a toy drive at the remnants of the Piqua Mall to make up for Santa’s cruel decision. We reached out to the AAMSMC for comment.
“Alpha Santa’s ego has really gotten to him. After all these years and all these toys, he finally had to flex his muscles at the local shithead kids. And I don’t blame him. But now it’s time for us lesser Santas to step up, it’s not like we have anything else going on…”
The Bugle Caller reached out to Claus for comment. His publicist, Alecksandre Smith, provided the following statement:
“While Santa certainly doesn’t discriminate based on geographic location, he holds absolute discretion on who is naughty and who is nice. And unfortunately, the children of Miami County are, in his eyes, repulsive.”
Be sure to spend your hard earned money on Christmas this year, because Santa’s not going to do it for you!
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