With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it’s important to find a way to get out of cooking a dish or even attending the big meal entirely. While you could certainly come up with an excuse about being busy with work, or being stuck inside a beached whale, showing through cooking is often the only way family is able to communicate. Here are 7 recipes that will disgust and likely force your family to quit speaking to you:
Fig and Chorizo Pie
While one might hope the sweet and salty combo here would make this a more appetizing dish, this one really doesn’t work. This is a treat that will really send the message that you no longer wish to associate with this group of people, and would prefer to sit alone in silence during the holiday than be bothered by their company. Recipe linked here.
Roasted ‘n Glazed Roadkill
You’re not good enough at hunting to slaughter something fresh for your family. But you’re probably good enough at driving to chase down a mammal with your car. Go for a late night ride through rural Miami County and see what you can hit – it may just be a hit at the dinner table too! Roast it on a spit and put an apple in its mouth for aesthetic. Then glaze it like a Krispy Kreme donut so the kids will want to try it. Once they taste it, however, everyone is going to fucking hate you.
Corned Beef Pudding
This one may have the appearance of a dish that might be edible, but hold onto your hats, this one is tough to stomach! The quick prep time on this one makes this a great dish to say, “I didn’t want to put time into the torture I’m about to put your stomach through, and I won’t even stick around to see the payoff.”
PCP Pumpkin Pie
Land yourself in the family doghouse or the county jail with the unstoppable PCP Pumpkin Pie. Effects kick in after about 2 minutes and last for 6-20 hours. Baking with Phenylcyclohexylpiperidine is tricky and needs to be done below 275 degrees fahrenheit in order to not waste the drugs. Don’t fuck up a potentially awful time by overcooking your PCP.
Key Lime and Olive Tapenade
We actually found this one in an old family recipe book, but the individual sick enough to think of writing this one down has been lost to time. Your family is sure to understand after one bite of this that you have a secret family you love more, and you’ll be joining that family for all future holidays. Check the full recipe at our sister site, Mario’s Kitchen.
Spam and Jam Spread
Presumably, this one exists exclusively due to the rhyme, but even still, it’s tough to understand why pineapple jam is the choice here. The combination somehow reeks of raw tuna, but tastes like the underside of a garbage truck. It will become obvious to all your guests that this was a willful act of violence, and not just a case of a chef with no palette. Even if the message didn’t come across, you’d be left out of the group chat where meal preparation is decided, so there’s really no downside with this one.
Diet Vegan Buffalo Chicken Dip
Disappointment can go a long way at family gatherings, and nothing will piss off the more masculine family members more than bringing a veganized classic such as buffalo chicken dip. Make sure to ramble about how jackfruit tastes the same as real chicken, and repeat until someone is visibly pissed off at you. Next, mention how many animals you’ve saved with your recipe. And finally, take a bite of the turkey to completely erase any potential credibility you’ve built with the remaining family members. Now, everyone will think you’re a complete jackass!
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