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Spooky Inflatables Brutally Stabbed to Death

Piqua – On Tuesday, the Piqua Police Department was dispatched to the 200 block of Downing Street after two inflatables were brutally stabbed in a resident’s front yard. While the stabbing is believed to be limited to two casualties, police have yet to issue a full report due to the carnage, as well as the amount of garbage already at the scene before the incident.

“We’ve seen plenty of stabbings, but nothing quite as bad as this,” said officer Alec Mattigan. “So far, it’s a cold case with no witness or traces of DNA on the victims.”

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The inflatables’ identities are yet to be disclosed, as the bodies are hardly distinguishable from their typical inflated selves. As of now, no suspects have been identified. Please report any tips to the Piqua Police Department by calling 911. 

The identity of the owners of the house the stabbing occurred at has yet to be uncovered. However, there is some speculation the incident may be an insurance scam, likely to recoup losses on going way too fucking big this year on Halloween decorations. Halloween stores across the country have seen an uptick in returns due to “material defects,” Piqua Spirit Halloween general manager Thaz Holloway claims. 

“I mean, these are perfectly good halloween decorations. Like, they’re really spooky, something that’ll really rile the kids up. And what, you’re just gonna bring it back because the girl’s head is missing some hair? It’s spooky, that’s supposed to be the point!” At this point, Holloway was gesticulating wildly and rambling incessantly about how Halloween gets “no respect,” at which point our reporter left the scene.

This is a developing story. Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller for more updates.

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Gaavin San Pellegrino

MCBC Field Reporter. Cat lover. Guitarist. Double-shot of red-eye espresso.

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