2021 Public Restroom Power Rankings
The Miami County Bugle Caller Research Unit (MCBCRU) recently surveyed a small sample of locals to get a gauge on the best bathrooms in the county. We did this because it is our doodie. After sifting through the variety of results, we came together to assemble the official 2021 Miami County Bugle Caller Public Restroom Power Rankings (MCBCPRPR):
Topping the 2021 Public Restroom Power Rankings is Boston Stoker, most famously known for the mirrors that cover the bathroom walls. Who doesn’t like to see themselves in their glory from all angles? Some people prefer this experience over the coffee itself, which says a lot about what this location has to offer. If you haven’t already seen it for yourself, get over there now. There may already be a line of patrons waiting near the restrooms.
Crazy Martin’s is a frequent feature in the Miami County Bugle Caller for many reasons. This time, it’s for the potty – not the pot. The bathroom is a bit elusive, as it’s meant for employees-only. If you just make a break for it, the employees won’t care to stop you. It may be that they get it and can see the fear in your eyes, or they’re just stoned. Either way, the bathroom is very private and relatively clean.
This bathroom is surprisingly clean for a public park restroom, since theater freaks are the only ones using it. We do warn you to watch out for high schoolers making out near this bathroom after school, because they’re always lurking for some reason. Otherwise it’s a nice and private spot to take care of business.
This bathroom is one of the most hard-working and reliable on this list, and is commonly known as the “People’s Bathroom.” Officially the responsibility of Winans, it also serves as the ground floor water closet for the entire block. It is central to the building, yet is somehow tucked away. Do you work at the Chamber of Commerce and need a place to take a breather from the flood of economic activity in Troy? Are you a construction worker looking for a shitter with enough room for you to take off your overalls in comfort? Even if you’re jobless, the Winans bathroom is yours.
There are a few bathroom options available at The Caroline, all of which appear fancier than they really are. They made a cool soap dispenser out of an old Patron bottle, which is pretty trendy, but not particularly original. The trash cans are pretty small and often overflowing with paper towels, but that just depends what time of day you’re there. This bathroom moved down a few spots since our last round of power rankings due to lack of innovation, but we still consider it a reliable restroom.
The Tipp City Taco Bell is still new enough to be pretty sterile. Granted, it only takes a few years for some serious damage to be done in a Taco Bell bathroom. For now, this location is pristine, and more accessible than most due to its proximity to I-75. If you’re on the go, it’s a can’t-miss. However, this may be a candidate to slide down the rankings next year due to the aforementioned damage that will inevitably occur. I mean, it’s a Taco Bell after all.
It’s good to have options and Cinemark has plenty. The average stall is no finer than some of the lower-ranked spots on this list, but the likelihood of finding one available is much higher. Besides, Piqua is pretty much a ghost town at this point. Hopefully, the Casino will soon be erected and more locals can occupy the Cinemark restrooms.
8. Moeller Brew Barn
Moeller Brew Barn’s bathroom is one of the more social spots in the entire county. As mentioned in our rankings of Miami County’s Favorite Local Beers, you’ll always find a crowd in the men’s restroom as their famous “Piss Pilsner” flows through the body like draino. It’s a great place to meet friends and share personal stories. Cheers to Piss Pilsner!
La Fiesta bathrooms see a lot of traffic, and fortunately, there are 2 options. We are specifically talking about the bathroom located in the back corner near the bar area. In the men’s room, you’ll find pipes openly jetting from the wall pouring water into an exposed drain. The sound of trickling water is a helpful feature if you’re potty shy. You can also put your ears up to the pipes to hear some banter from the kitchen. It’s a noisy experience, but one to remember.
If you find yourself at Tire Discounters waiting several hours for a simple wheel rotation, you’re bound to visit the restroom. The smell of rubber in the air is a natural diuretic, which ensures that you have a smooth movement through your bowels. For this alone, we’ve slotted Tire Discounters into a top-10 spot. Highly recommend, plus whoever chooses the verbiage for their store sign is a total jokester!
This bathroom is highly regarded for its efforts on the famous Wing Night. During a multiple-hour wing deluge, it’s almost guaranteed you’ll have to use the toilet – 1 and 2. Everyone does it. So what about the sauce all over your fingers? Seems a little dangerous, right? Good thing Harrisons has wet wipe rolls in every stall and urinal. We thought this was a great touch, and didn’t burn a bit.
Agave and Rye is a new feature on the list, but only for bad reasons. The bathroom smells like a combo of a truck stop bathroom and the sloppiest college bar you’ve ever been to. If anyone can snag a photo of this beast, you’ll get why it’s so low in our rankings.
13. Tony’s Bada Bing
“Yeah Tony, we all get it. It’s just a bar. But there are 2 broken bottles of Michelob behind the toilet, and the paper towel dispenser doesn’t work. I’ve been wiping my hands on my t-shirt all evening and my wife is not happy about it. So neither am I. 2/10.” – Yelp Reviewer
Do we have to say more?
One look at a K’s toilet will make you think that they’ve run out of places to dump all of that burger grease. The restroom was also recently featured in a list of “Miami County’s Least Functioning Doors” due to the inability to lock it properly. You may see 40+ years of mysterious build-up around the sink knobs, and one may question whether or not touching the sink to wash their hands will actually make them cleaner.
Exotic foods call for exotic experiences in the bathroom. If you’re not afraid of cockroaches, this bathroom can take you on an exciting adventure that connects you with nature. Native American statues greet you as you approach the bathroom to wish you good luck on your journey. Be sure not to make eye contact with the Polar Bear taxidermy, as it’s considered bad luck for your bowels.
This bathroom makes one question the stereotype that Tipp City has a lot of money. What’s impressive here is the fact that this serves as both the main public park bathroom, as well as the only bathroom for their stadium. Not to mention their stadium looks like it was put together in a weekend by a couple of shady carpenters who left in the night. A glory hole could easily be set up here and it wouldn’t look in any way out of place. Do your business as quickly as possible here, use the World Dryer hand dryer installed in 1996 and move on with your life.
Dunaway’s has a lot going for it, but unfortunately their bathroom is not the star of the show. It reeks of urine in the men’s room, and the women’s room is somehow worse. The hand dryer situation in this bathroom leaves a lot to be desired as well. That being said, if you expected a premier bathroom at a place like this, maybe take a walk up the street toward the Caroline for a more “elegant” experience.
Known to locals as “Dookie Park”, the restrooms at Duke Park are truly an experience all their own. These little dump shacks are real stinky, and they’re always packed with sweaty folks. Some people believe there’s something in the air at Duke Park that makes people need to go poo-poo. Some say that’s just what happens when people exercise or something. Either way, the high traffic rate of these piss and poop pergolas creates a putrid stench. The park has given up on keeping their restrooms clean, and has instead started to market them as a tourist destination, selling shirts and hats that say “I dropped a deuce at Dookie Park.”
If you consider Red Lobster to be fancy, you need to see their bathrooms. The stall doors each have 3-inch cracks that expose you as you do your business. These bathrooms are actually pretty clean, but this stall gap is absolutely unacceptable. We’ve moved this location below several others due to this single atrocity.
To no surprise, Piqua’s finest fast food restaurant contains one of the worst bathrooms known to mankind. Most locals have never seen this bathroom, or even stepped inside the restaurant itself. The convenience of a drive-thru keeps people away from this vile place. You can just sense the filth by the building’s exterior. Unlike other locations on this list, we actually recommend that you stay as far away as possible.
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