TROY – For the past few summers, a floating river community has mysteriously appeared on the Great Miami River. The riverfolk inside have formed a small, nomadic community with strange customs. Obviously, the Miami County Bugle Caller sent an unpaid intern to get a closer look.
The findings were puzzling, with immediate questions around how these people use the restroom in a floating tent. Evidence indicated that residents were conducting their business in flaggons and inflatable pots. When the deed is done, it is dumped right into the water. MCBC quickly tipped this information to the City Government.
“This all explains why there was a fecal matter build-up in the river’s trash peninsula,” said Randall Schafer of the County Health Department. “This is a public health risk that we must address.”
Dylan Raytheon is a local fisherman and a riverbank dweller who’s been living by and fishing the river for years.
“This is my only source of food and water. All of the chip bags, Michelob Ultra bottles and other middle class garbage that accumulates in the trash peninsula really makes me want to get an apartment in Tipp. I can’t eat out of this river with all of this human waste floating around,” said Raytheon.
Fortunately, local mayor and public health expert Robin Oda came to the rescue and proposed a solution to the matter: adding a precarious porta-potty so all residents have access to a bathroom.
“This floating toilet is a wonderful addition to the Treasure Island Bay. We just pushed it off the shore and barked at the people through a megaphone so they’ll know how to use it. God I hate poor people,” said Oda.
The porta-potty stood upright for roughly 38 minutes before the first river community dweller tried to use it. Unfortunately, it toppled over when they stood to pull up their pants. City officials brought out a crane to stand the structure upright again. Since then, it appears all riverfolk have returned to pissing in flaggons.
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