TIPP CITY – For years, outsiders have linked the Tippecanoe student body with occult practices due to their “Red Devils” mascot. However, a recent study showed that only 83% of these students actually worship Satan.

We enrolled an unpaid intern at Tippecanoe High School to get an inside look at the culture. The intern noticed occult circles in the cafeterias, a statue of Baphomet in the school’s courtyard, and a gate to Oblivion just outside of school property. He also took an elective course in conjuration, but was quickly outed as a narc and had to give his life as an offering to Satan.

Many families have held back from sending their children to Tipp City Schools due to fear that Satan would inevitably corrupt the minds of their precious children. Now, they can feel safe knowing that only 83% of students actually worship Satan.

“I couldn’t imagine coming home to find my son sacrificing a goat in his bedroom,” said Meg Williamson. Now, Meg is reassured that there’s only an 83% chance that her son will convert to satanism.

“I figured it was a sure thing. We’ve already had to stop serving deviled eggs at our Easter lunch celebrations. We also had to remove deviled ham spread from the Christmas dinner. So you can imagine why we’d be apprehensive to send our child to become one of the Red Devils.”

We surveyed a group of local parents and shared the news that not all Tippecanoe students are Satanists. Results indicated that parents were now 2% more likely to enroll their children in the school.

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This article is dedicated to our unpaid intern Macurdy Greenwood. Rest in peace, Mac. We hope Satan keeps you warm in hell.