TROY – Rumors have surfaced that the city of Troy will permit open beverage carrying through means of a Designated Outdoor Refreshment Zone (DORZ). The ruling would allow locals to get completely blitzed in more public spaces than ever before.
We sent an undercover unpaid intern to snoop around the Troy City Hall, and found a secret document revealing all plans for open beverage carrying in downtown Troy.
Here’s what was in the document:
- All who enter the DORZ must shotgun a beer upon arrival. Anyone who fails to shotgun a beer within 5 seconds will be forced to spend 15 minutes in the Time Out Zone (TOZ) and then try again.
- All beverages must be consumed in less than 10 minutes, so businesses sell more booze. #SupportSmallBusiness
- Moeller Brew Barn will be selling their signature “Piss Pilsner” for 1 dollar per pitcher, sponsoring as the Official Troy Open Carry Beer of 2021. Click here to read more about Piss Pilsner in our local beer rankings article.
- Cops must “look the other way” when they see someone enter their vehicle while completely wasted. Cops will also be allowed to open carry in their police cruisers.
- Troy City Hall will be located within the DORZ, and government officials are allowed to continue getting wasted in the workplace.
- Urinals and piss troughs will be installed in every alleyway downtown. So piss away, and then get back in there and buy more Piss Pilsner! #BuyLocal
- The old furniture store across from Leaf and Vine is now being converted into a designated Sleep It Off Zone (SIOZ). This way folks can get slizzurd on a Friday, crash on one of the couches, and then do it all over again Saturday!
- If one gets too rowdy within the DORZ, they must cool it off in the SIOZ, as nobody wants to end up in the TOZ. If one gets belligerent in the TOZ, they will be sent next door to the JAIL.
Whispers around the Troy City Hall suggest that this beverage carrying law is a loophole around statewide mask mandates, since people are not required to wear a mask while eating or drinking. This way, Troy citizens can continue to leave their masks at home, but with even less guilt. Besides, we all know how hard it is to shotgun a beer with a mask on.
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