TROY – A few years ago, Troy Family Video started selling cannabis products, specifically CBD, in their Main Street storefront. After much success, CBD became a big staple in the business, and the location renamed itself “Troy Family Video & CBD.” Now, investors are thinking outside of the bud, and will begin offering a larger variety of illicit substances in 2021.
We contacted a few key figureheads in the business to get a better idea of their logic.
“The thing with CBD is that everyone can pretty much try it once, and quickly realize that it’s not very effective. It’s hard to retain customers if you’re not actually getting them high. So, we figured it wouldn’t hurt to include some more addictive substances in our selection,” said CEO Ezekial Steck.
The new drugs on the menu will include cocaine, methamphetamine, molly, peyote, ayahuasca, PCP, LSD, salvia, DMT, whip-its and bath salts. Business leaders have decided not to include heroin, since it’s scientifically proven to make film more difficult to enjoy.
Many are wondering how Troy Family Video & CBD will be able to sell illegal drugs in their store. Ezekiel Steck explained that the drugs will not be technically dealt by their establishment, but that their storefront is merely a lead generator for his cousin Nico’s drug cartel.
“Look, it’s a family business. Do you really think we could stay afloat by just offering DVD rentals? Let’s not kid ourselves, this is one of 5 remaining Family Videos in the state of Ohio. And we plan to be the last one standing, no matter what it takes,” said Steck.
Troy Family Video & CBD also has a Marco’s Pizza within the establishment, who is absolutely thrilled with the influx of new business.
“We used to be flinging dough. Now we’re slinging blow,” said Marco’s Chief Executive Pizza Chef Tony DiMarzio. “But they definitely stole the idea from me and my ‘special’ mushroom pizzas. I ain’t too mad about it though.”
Another name change has been proposed by executives, changing Troy Family Video & CBD to Troy Family Video & PCP. Business leaders suggest that they will wait until the DMT-only “soft opening” in January before making further business decisions.
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