With the holiday season in full swing in Miami County, now has never been a better time to infect your loved ones with a largely unknown and deadly virus. We sent our team of unmasked interns out to get the latest scoop on the hottest holiday superspreader events this year:
Trapt concert at Hobart Arena
Following their mid-pandemic “Back the Blue” concert, TRAPT will be returning to the area to put on a show at Hobart Arena. Attendance is rumored to reach maximum capacity, with over 20,000 die-hard TRAPT fans showing up for what may be their last hoorah.
If you want to expose yourself and your family to COVID before the big holiday, you can simply stop by the Covid-Positive Santa Claus and wish for antibodies for Christmas. He’ll be posted up in what remains of the Piqua Mall from 1 PM to 10 PM every day until Christmas. Please note that you cannot be on the “naughty list,” or Covid-Positive Santa will not sneeze on you.
Visit Reu Juicery
If you’d like to put your tastebuds and immune system to the test, we recommend stopping into Reu Juicery at any given day. The maskless employees will great you with a smile and dose of their fomites, as they say the “juicers are too loud for customers to hear them.” You can also find a posse of Karen’s lingering around the lobby, who would be happy to spread their germs to you if you desire.
Tyler’s Birthday Party
Tyler Brinson is turning 21 on December 18th, and is throwing a huge rager at his parents’ house in Piqua. He will be returning from vacation in Florida, and ready to spread love and germs. Everyone is invited, so we’ll see you there if you want to play pong and get ‘roned!
The Troy Saliva Society is holding their annual Spit Swap on December 19th, inviting locals to share their year-long collections at the meetup. Participants will also be entered in a raffle to win an “I Survived The Spit Swap” t-shirt, so make sure you don’t miss out!
Kisser on a Candy Cane
There are many holiday traditions in Miami County, but none perhaps more infectious than the Kisser on a Candy Cane event, sponsored by 7-Up. Citizens from all across the country gather together to see who can keep their mouths on a single candy cane the longest. Due to the coronavirus, however, there have been some changes made to the annual competition. Participants will now only receive one bathroom break, in the hope that this will help to speed up the contest, and lower the risk of infection. This one will still be a bloodbath.
What superspreader events are you looking forward to infecting others at? Let us know in the comments below! And follow the Miami County Bugle Caller on Facebook to stay up to date on events you should convince your parents not to attend.