TROY – The Miami County Courthouse is now permitting the use of their fountains as bidets throughout early voting. This new feature is part of a detailed social distancing and sanitation policy to protect voters from exposure to COVID-19.
“We’re putting measures in place to ensure that locals have all forms of sanitation when they show up to vote. This includes hand sanitizer dispensers every 10 feet, chemical showers in the restrooms, and the use of our fountains as bidets,” said Courthouse spokesperson Delilah O’Doul.
It is recommended that voters show up with waterproof boots if they plan to use the bidets, so they don’t get shitwater on their feet.
“We would have built a privacy fence so voters don’t have to worry about exposing their buttocks to Main Street traffic, but we’ve already shelled out all of our funds on these fountains, and other features that were necessary for the Courthouse’s nightly Satanic ritual,” said O’Doul.
The use of fountains as bidets was pushed forward on behalf of the Miami County Green Party, with the logic that bidets save trees and reduce the use of paper tissue. Miami County Green Party president Dan Perry organized local activists to force the courthouse’s hand with daily protests that were disrupting court proceedings. Ultimately, officials at the courthouse figued few people would take them up on the offer and it would make the yelling stop. Unfortunately, due to COVID-19 restrictions on activities, the fountain has been one of the more popular spots in downtown Troy.
One thing courthouse officials didn’t account for is the lack of a filtration system in the fountain. Due to overuse, the fountain is now recirculating the shitwater, and creating shit geysers outside of the courthouse about once an hour. While two have already perished in accidents relating to the geysers, resident’s still flock the fountain to make sure they’ve fully cleansed their cracks.
Thanks to the success in driving voter awareness, it’s now being speculated that this may be a year-round option for residents. However, O’Doul put any rumors to rest, explaining, “the fountain needs to be cleaned out and prepared for four years from now!”
Make sure to follow the Miami County Bugle Caller on Facebook to stay up to date on breaking sanitation developments.