TIPP CITY – Donald Trump Jr. recently announced plans to stop through Tipp City for a campaign visit. Soon after the announcement, details leaked to the Miami County Bugle Caller that the “campaign visit” is just a guise for a much larger plan: to taste Hinders’ wings and see if they live up to the hype.

Last Friday, the Tippecanoe Football Team performed a Blue Lives Matter “flag ritual” before their game, in which they were humiliated 28-3 by Piqua. The ceremony was rumored to be a bizarre attempt to summon Donald Trump Jr. in their hometown. Just 1 day later, Trump Jr. announced his plans to visit. Though the football team believes this was a result of their corny ceremony, it’s really just because of Hinders’ famously delicious wings.

“One of the many privileges I’ve had is access to some of the finest chicken wings in this beautiful country. So, I’m determined to find the best wings on this campaign, just in case Dad loses this race, making me completely irrelevant again,” said Trump Jr.

Hinders made Trump Jr’s shortlist of 10 wing restaurants, thanks to the restaurant’s great reputation, and his affinity for the band Hinder. He has also cited the “Buttwarmers” as a main draw, because his ass is completely chapped.

“We’ll make his butt so sweaty that he’ll be afraid to poop for weeks. That’s what good wings do,” said one Hinders manager. “We will be fully staffed and mask-free for his visit, to make sure it’s up to his standards.”

Trump Jr. plans to deliver a speech in the parking lot after his lunch, and provide a large crowd with his full review of Hinders’ wings. He is also expected to throw in a cocaine-fueled rant about how Americans don’t understand taxes or what it takes to run a business. Thousands of Tipp City residents are rumored to show up.

Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller for more buttwarming political reporting.