PARDON MY OPINION: I SHOULD BE ALLOWED BACK IN THE CRACKER BARREL

PARDON MY OPINION: I SHOULD BE ALLOWED BACK IN THE CRACKER BARREL

PIQUA, OH – The other day, my wife and I finally were able to be reunited with our favorite restaurant: the Cracker Barrel in Piqua. They make their biscuits just the way I like, and I love the fact that they have a family bathroom that you can lock and no one seems to know about it. My wife and I have on many occasions spent hours at the Cracker Barrel, enjoying free coffee refills and Uncle Hershel’s Favorite with Catfish. So imagine my surprise when the manager of the Cracker Barrel came up to me and asked that we leave and NEVER RETURN.

When I asked what exactly we did, the manager brought up the pathetic excuse that it was the last time he would let me clog the family bathroom toilet. I certainly wasn’t going to apologize for my own bodily functions, so I began screaming at the manager, and making my opinion known (as we all know me). Then the manager had the NERVE to tell me, “it wasn’t okay that you got s**t all over the toilet seat.” Listen buddy, that’s just the way I do my business! I’m a paying customer, and I should be allowed to defecate the same way I would at home. 

Twinkle Van Dam: Psychic for Hire
Matt's Wasted
Steel Lounge
El Sombrero
McGinty Funeral Home
Danny's Custard Wagon
Spritegoose: We Keep You Safe
Passion Winery
Miami County Pyramid Schemes
Schafty's Brew House
Tippecanoe Lifestyle Community, Bue you in front of everyone else
Hard Balls Casino
Visit Lake St. Mary's Today

It clearly states on their website that they want to make guests feel at home, and if I want to spray down the whole bathroom and mark my territory, THAT’S MY BUSINESS. Don’t you DARE make me feel guilty for living up to your promise. When I’m at home, my wife has no issue working around my mess or just cleaning it up herself, so why should it be any different at my (former) favorite restaurant. 

cracker barrel mission
“Welcome Home” my ass

 

Then, of course the manager had to bring up the cheetah incident. Back in fall of 2019, my youngest cheetah, Chives, was left in the car on one of our outings to the Barrel. I don’t normally like to leave him in the car, but we had just picked him up from the groomer nearby, and I was absolutely famished. So we decided to take our order to go. While we were inside placing an order, a young boy was wearing a shirt covered in pictures of basketballs. As I’ve said many times before, Chives has a real issue with basketballs, simply cannot stand the idea of them. 

So of course, Chives managed to slip through the window I left cracked so he wouldn’t overheat and absolutely tore the little one to shreds. While I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the boy’s parents, I also couldn’t help but wonder why they would take that risk? Knowing that this is my favorite restaurant and that my cheetahs could be with me at the restaurant at any time. Needless to say, the company put in place a new exotic animal restriction in their stores and parking lots, and I almost lost my beloved Chives because of it.

These things are in the past, but BILL, mister BIG BAD MANAGER had to go dragging things up. Well guess who has a beloved column in Miami County’s most trusted newspaper? That’s right buddy, Fez Shale. This is why I’m calling for a BOYCOTT on the Cracker Barrel in Piqua until I get an apology from the manager and a gift certificate for $50 to make up for the embarrassment and distress this has caused.

Where will you be eating now that the best restaurant in the county has gone down the tubes? Let me know in the comments down below. Hopefully some place that has an appropriate toilet for me to enjoy.

Danny's Custard Wagon
Visit Lake St. Mary's Today
Miami County Singles
Spritegoose: We Keep You Safe
Passion Winery
Hard Balls Casino
Miami County Singles
Schafty's Brew House
Miami County Singles
Miami County Pyramid Schemes
McGinty Funeral Home
Miami County Singles
Miami County Singles
Matt's Wasted
Steel Lounge
Miami County Singles
Tippecanoe Lifestyle Community, Bue you in front of everyone else
El Sombrero
Twinkle Van Dam: Psychic for Hire

Fez Shale

Fez Shale is an opinion journalist for the Miami County Bugle Caller. A compilation of his beloved stories and anecdotes can be found in his New York Times bestselling book "These Times, They're Different Than I'd Like"

Leave a Reply