PLEASANT HILL – Whispers from the ANTIFA World Headquarters hint at plans to take down the statue that stands in the middle of downtown Pleasant Hill. Known as the “Newton Township Civil War Monument,” the structure has stood in controversy over the years. Now, ANTIFA may be coming for it.
“It could definitely be a racist statue,” said an anonymous ANTIFA representative. “We really don’t know, but wouldn’t be surprised, just based on how it looks, and considering that it’s from the Civil War era.”
Spokespersons from the Pleasant Hill History Center (PHHC) insist that this is all one huge misunderstanding.
“The monument stands in memory of our heroes who fought for the Union against slavery. It’s the furthest thing from racist. As a community, we should be proud of the heroes we’ve chosen to honor in this beautiful town,” said Edith Eberheardt of the PHHC.
The PHHC is organizing a militia to defend the statue at all costs, equipping guards with Civil War-era rifles atop the only tall building in downtown Pleasant Hill. Guards will be instructed to snipe any vandal who attempts to deface the monument.
“Hopefully, we won’t need to resort to violence, but in some places, we value property over human lives!” said Eberheardt.
PHHC has been proactively preparing for the situation with the help of several local volunteers, including farmers and members of the Old Fashioned Rifle Society.
“This is the opportunity I been waiting for, to dust off my ol’ flintlock musket and sharpen my bayonet. Them ANTIFA will reconsider their actions when they lay gutted on the town square!” said farmer Geoff Ghonson of Pleasant Hill, proud owner of a Blunderbuss Short-Barreled Musket.
It is unknown when ANTIFA will strike Newton Township, but the PHHC and their militia will be trained and ready.
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