TROY – Following a 16-year tenure as Mayor of Troy, Michael Beamish has had the most profitable year of his life with the launch of his new hand sanitizer brand “Beam-Clean.” Founded in February, the successful brand has already been purchased by Procter & Gamble for $6.9 million dollars.
“Beam-Clean” Sanitizer promises a shiny, beaming aura of overall cleanliness when applied to human hands. The bottle displays Mike Beamish with a charming smile, seducing thousands of locals into buying the entire inventory off shelves of local businesses. Now, Beamish has sold out to the big guys at P&G to reach larger markets.
Beamish has been accused in several Coronavirus hoax conspiracies, due to the perfect timing of the brand’s launch just weeks before the Covid-19 destroyed everyone’s hopes and dreams. Beamish insists that it’s a pure coincidence, citing his lifelong hobby of illegally distilling alcohol for sanitation purposes.
“For many years, I had an active distillery in my garage. It was just a hobby. Some weekends, my guy friends would come over and help me with the operation. We definitely weren’t making Everclear or Moonshine, just sanitizer to keep ourselves safe,” claims Beamish.
While details of the acquisition are not fully public, it was revealed that Beamish will be staying on as “Head Soapy Boy” and brand spokesperson for Beam-Clean. Procter & Gamble have already set out to make Beam-Clean a national brand, buying up every other ad on Hulu and YouTube, hoping to cash in with a health-conscious younger demographic. The ads feature Beamish speaking to the quality and artisanal nature of the product, with Beamish promising, “a clean, safe, and salmonella-free product, now that we have the big boys on the hook for this stuff.”
When asked what he was planning on doing with the massive payout, Beamish referred back to his childhood dream: becoming a hot air balloon captain. “I found a guy on Craigslist who will sell me a fleet of those suckers for a sweet penny, so come on down to Beamish Balloons and Fun, and bring the whole family!”
Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller to keep up with Beamish business ventures, and look out for Beam-Clean sanitizer at your local grocery stores.