MIAMI COUNTY, OH – The commissioners of Miami County announced today broad cuts to their usual kickbacks and bribes amid the COVID-19 pandemic. John Evans, president of the board, said in a public statement, “in light of the financial struggles that coronavirus has brought to businesses in the community, we hope this new policy will bring some much needed stimulus to the citizens of Miami County (who make over $100,000 per year).”
Bribery has been a long-standing tradition in the community, with some of the first developments in the county popping up as a result of palm greasing. The Overfield Tavern, built in 1808, was only allowed to be built under the condition that the commissioners had a free room to use whenever they wanted to bring their mistresses to downtown Troy. Since then, the commission has had a long legacy of using their office for their own financial gain, with expensive gifts and cash bribes being sent directly to the commissioners office with little to no coverup in the process.
“While this is a sad day for all of the commissioners, it’s likely the saddest for me, as Raytheon had offered to fly me out all expenses paid on and fuck and suck trip to Reno. I just wanted to see what sleeping with a hooker legally is actually like” said the deflated president of the board.
Evans took the time to note that while they’re not accepting any bribes at the moment, that doesn’t mean some creative workarounds wouldn’t be accepted. The moratorium allows for any gifts over $10,000 to be put into a trust, which the commissioners can rely on in the event of a rainy day, or “if we just really need to blow off some steam”.
Through all the bad going on in the world, we here at the Miami County Bugle Caller wanted to take the time to recognize that there is still some good in the world. At a time when people around the country are clearly hurting, it’s nice to see that some in our community are willing to take a hit for the greater good. Be sure to follow the Miami County Bugle Caller on Twitter for more heartwarming stories of personal sacrifice.