This year, Troy’s 4th of July fireworks will be much different than ever before. Here’s everything you need to know to make sure you don’t look like a complete fool this Independence Day.
1. The Fireworks Will Visually Resemble The Structure of the Coronavirus
This year, the Miami County Fireworks will all be bursting into a form that resembles the Coronavirus structure. Rather than the usual boring red, white and blue, Miami County officials wanted to pay tribute to their overlord, the Coronavirus. The explosions are contagious, but should be the least of your worries if you’re amongst a crowd of people.
2. Humans Will Be Strapped To Fireworks as Sacrifice to the Coronavirus
“We can only beat this if we come together,” said Troy’s Mayor Robin Oda, in an announcement that called on volunteers to sacrifice themselves to the Coronavirus. Several locals are stepping up to the task, and will strap themselves to the fireworks in sacrifice. Some are doing it to save their loved ones, while others just have nothing else to lose at this point. If you hear blood-curdling screams on the 4th, now you know why. “It’s time to meet your gods,” says Oda.
3. The Grand Finale Will Sound Like a Chorus of Coughing
Instead of a noisy, reckless array of explosions for the grand finale, this year’s firework display will feature a booming chorus of coughs. It’s time to wish the nation a happy cough-iversary, and since we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, there are plenty of coughs to go around. Be sure to join the chorus and cough your lungs out.
4. There Will Be Bouncers To Beat Up Anyone Not Wearing A Mask
Anyone who shows up to the Miami County Fireworks without a mask is going to get their ass beat by hired bouncers. Children under 18 are safe from the aggression, but will be taken to a detention facility to be “scared straight into putting a mask on their stupid little faces.” We highly recommend wearing a face covering to this event if you don’t want your legs broken.
5. Beam-Clean Hand Sanitizer Will Be Available On Every Corner
It’s not cheap, but it’s what you’ve got. Ex-Mayor Beamish has spent his retirement crafting artisan hand sanitizer, and kiosks on every corner of the downtown blocks will have his luxury product on display. The scents will be strawberry, spicy, and crab meat. Be sure to grab some, because Beamish made sure that his sanitizer will be the only kind available. Cash only.
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