PRETTY FUNNY DAMAGE: A deputy responded to the 80000 block of Fairlan Drive in Cookson Township on a criminal damage complaint. The suspect applied chemicals to a series of lawns to spell out “69 Fuck 420 Balls Boobs.” It seems like a crude joke, but it was actually done pretty well, and in cursive too. The suspect is still at large and the case is pending. 

CULTURAL APPROPRIATION/FRAUD: A deputy took a report from a resident of Casstown in reference to a fraud complaint. The fraud occurred through Facebook Marketplace, in a “dead-drop” style transaction for the sake of social distancing. The Casstown resident stuffed $1,250 under a rock in the countryside, but did not receive the “Native American artifacts.” The deputy was like “Not my job, bub. Contact Facebook Marketplace.” The man then started screaming, and was advised to stop being so shrill. He failed to comply and was shot. This case is pending. 

HIGH SCHOOL PARTY BUSTED: Wednesday night, police were notified of a house party in Troy’s Kensington neighborhood. Troy PD were quick to arrive on the scene, as “Party Rock Anthem” echoed from the house. Roughly 200 underage teenagers were discovered in the basement, soaked in beer and dubstep music. Every minor was detained, including Troy’s all-star quarterback, Tyler Smithens. The parents who owned the home have been sent to Riker’s Island as punishment for child endangerment. 

TERRIBLE SMELLS IN PIQUA (AGAIN): Yet again, hundreds of 911 calls reported foul smells within the Piqua city limits in the past week. Locals believe the scent is traveling downwind from the brand new water treatment plant, while others claim it’s linked to the underground sewer community. Police have once again pushed off the case to the Sanitation Department. Please notify the police of any clues as to where the smell is coming from.

IT’S NOT 4TH OF JULY YET: Several phone calls to the Piqua Police Department reported that a few whippersnappers were setting off fireworks within city limits around 11 PM last night. The fireworks were very mild, and were not visible to anyone who lived more than 2 blocks from the mischief. Based on the sound, it is believed that the fireworks were purchased at Kroger, in the cheap assortment box consisting of Sparkers and Pop-Its. Sheriffs arrived on the scene 2 hours after the department was called, and arrested the first group of teens they found in the neighborhood. All suspects are now behind bars for violating the noise ordinance, with bonds set at $10,000 a piece.

GOSH DANG THAT’S FAST!: A squadron of cruisers was sent out to Dye Mill Road to pursue one of those custom Honda Civics that certain types of folks own. The car was identified to be going super duper fast by an illegal fisherman crouching down by the Gravel Pits, who said he could hear it coming from way around the bend. By the time it was passing him, he could hardly dial 911 because the car “sounded so cool.” The deputies caught up to the Honda Civic going 110 mph as it tried to duck into the Compost Facility. The young man, Corry Trevington, 19, was found trying to back his Civic out of a huge pile of shit/manure/grass, but could not get it free. The deputies planted some drugs on the little jackass and he is being charged with OVI, failure to control, driving fast as fuck, and under age consumption. 

PROBABLY UP TO NO GOOD: A deputy was dispatched to the scene of a report of two teenage boys carrying fishing rods near the railroad tracks that cross the Great Miami River around 9:30 PM last night. Both suspects appeared to be up to no good, and curfew was approaching. Deputy Mark Tupperman patrolled the area for 30 minutes until the curfew was up, but the boys were nowhere to be found after 10 PM. They clearly could not have gotten home in time to meet curfew, and therefore, were breaking the law. Both suspects were wearing red sweatshirts and Crocs, and are still at large. Please report any suspects to the Miami County Sheriff’s department so they can pay for their crimes in the juvenile detention center.

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