PARDON MY OPINION: OPEN THE DAMN CRACKER BARREL

PARDON MY OPINION: OPEN THE DAMN CRACKER BARREL

PIQUA –  Let’s be real. I love eatin’ biscuits n gravy, and there’s no better place for that than Cracker Barrel. And you know a man’s gotta eat, which is why I insist that we OPEN UP THE DAMN CRACKER BARREL!

Before the quarantine, I would go there every Sunday with my mom Mary Sue and my Aunt Linda. My mom would get coffee with 4 packets of sugar, and some blueberry waffles with a mountain of whipped cream. Aunt Linda would get well-done bacon salad breakfast sandwiches, and wash it down with a nice cup of Hot Sprite. I miss those days, and am sick of waiting.

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I’m a family man. I want to protect my loved ones, and enjoy a nice homestyle meal in a chain restaurant. That said, I still ain’t wearing no goddamn mask, so OPEN UP THE DAMN CRACKER BARREL AND LET ME IN.

Doctors have always said that smiles and laughter can add several years to one’s life. The smiles that I share with my family in Cracker Barrel should be treated with the utmost respect. Not being able to hold the Cracker Barrel door open for my Aunt Linda without risking the ‘rona just breaks her heart, and it’s unacceptable.

If anyone knows me, it’s that I have ZERO tolerance for the bullshit. I like to live a comfortable life here in Miami County, but something always seems to disrupt it. First, it was the neighbors who had an issue with my cheetahs, now it’s the government taking away my delicious biscuits. I’ve had enough, so OPEN UP THE DAMN CRACKER BARREL!

In order to get Cracker Barrel and the state government to meet our demands, I’m proposing a boycott of all dine-in restaurants in Ohio, until the state recognizes our needs. We are citizens, goddamnit, and if I want some fried catfish and a stack of pancakes, then it’s my God-given right to put others’ lives at risk for my desires. The reality is, only 100,000 people have died in this country, which is about as many people live in Davenport, Iowa. Think of how little you think about that town. Do you know anyone from Davenport? No? Have you been there? Of course not. So let me say it one last time: OPEN UP THE GODDAMNED CRACKER BARREL.

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Passion Winery
Miami County Singles
Visit Lake St. Mary's Today
Matt's Wasted
McGinty Funeral Home
Miami County Singles
Steel Lounge
Miami County Pyramid Schemes
Spritegoose: We Keep You Safe
Schafty's Brew House
Miami County Singles
Tippecanoe Lifestyle Community, Bue you in front of everyone else
Danny's Custard Wagon
Twinkle Van Dam: Psychic for Hire
Miami County Singles
Hard Balls Casino
El Sombrero
Miami County Singles
Miami County Singles

Fez Shale

Fez Shale is an opinion journalist for the Miami County Bugle Caller. A compilation of his beloved stories and anecdotes can be found in his New York Times bestselling book "These Times, They're Different Than I'd Like"

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Avatar
    Jody Hilljack

    Just go to Waffle House in Troy. You can even smoke there if you get there early enough. My kind of restaurant. The biscuits are good and the gravy is lumpy – just like my granny used to make.

  2. Avatar
    Emma-Jo Billy Jean Petty

    Sorry dude but the Cracker Barrel biscuits and gravy sucks. GROSS.. better off just eating some grass and puking and then eating your puke.

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