TROY, OH – There’s nothing I love more than taking my precious pack of cheetahs on a stroll through my neighborhood. As I’ve made my neighbors aware via a notice mailed out to each house, Chives, my youngest of the bunch, cannot STAND basketballs. Merely the sight of them sends my lovely young boy into a frenzy. I’ve also gone door to door, and talked to several families about removing the basketball hoop from the front of their house, but again, they decided that was a risk they wanted, KNOWING about my sweet, precious baby boy Chives.

So, the other day I was on a walk with my wife and my four beautiful cheetahs. It was a quiet afternoon in our neighborhood, and so I decided to let my lovelies walk without a leash. Normally, they’re very polite and play great with children! However, my least favorite neighbor’s son, Timothy Butler, was out playing basketball in his driveway. I’m thinking, did you not read my email? My pamphlet? Or the cryptic chalk message I wrote in the driveway? I told you that basketballs are a no-go!

So naturally, I tried to avoid conflict. I walked through the area as quickly as possible, but to no avail. The cretin had whipped up my beloved Chives, who charged at the boy at full speed. As you well know, cheetahs can charge up to 58 miles per hour, however Timothy was clearly unaware of this, and decided to take that risk anyway. My beautiful baby cheetah tore his ass up in no time, and all that remained of Timmy was a pile of shredded Urban Pipeline clothing. 

Now the neighborhood association is asking ME to put MY CHEETAHS on a leash AT ALL TIMES. This is UNACCEPTABLE. My lovely boys simply cannot be held back by any leash known to man, and they need their space to run. They’ve never caused any trouble (outside of this and a few other incidents that were largely the fault of the other party), and while they’re certainly a handful, the joy they bring me and others in our community cannot be outweighed by a few small casualties. I simply cannot part with my leash-free cheetah walks, and as an American, I believe it is my constitutional right to let my boys run free. And at the end of the day, isn’t what I believe the Constitution to be what is right?

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with me. SOME people see me and my graceful, darling angels as a threat. These people are SICK and should be banned from our community and be stripped of their voting rights post haste. This, along with a city council resolution specifically creating a new exotic animal park for my babies to run and play is the only thing that will keep me satiated. 

Pardon my opinion, but our city needs this to keep ourselves sane and make us capable of focusing on the important issues at hand during these unprecedented times.

Agree with me? Leave your rage in the comments. Is something out there really grinding your gears? Shoot us an email and MAYBE I’ll voice my opinion on it.