TROY – Despite recent news that the 2020 Strawberry Festival has been cancelled, the city has changed its mind in favor of rescheduling the event for December.
The decision to reschedule the event was made due to a large surplus of non-refundable festival materials. December was chosen to conveniently pair the Strawberry Festival with the city’s Holiday events, allowing locals to “get them all out of the way at the same time.”
“It’s not cancelled, it’s just colder,” said Kathy Fiddlehorn of the Discover Troy Initiative (DTI). “We’ve already invested so much money that we can’t get back. We have no choice but to make use of it and have some fun while we’re at it.”
The DTI noted that a large sum of the money was spent on materials for the famous Strawberry Donuts. However, rather than just the traditional recipe, DTI purchased items to “spice up” these donuts for the first time ever.
Due to popular demand from patrons complaining about “cold donuts,” this year’s Strawberry Festival will only contain the “hottest donuts on earth.” Locals will no longer have to wait in line at 7 AM for a hot bite, as these donuts will contain the hottest spices attainable by mankind.
Every donut will contain over 350,000 scoville units, with some reaching upwards of 700,000. Spice levels will vary based on customer preference, and sometimes completely at random because the band kids are pretty stoned when they make them.
“The people spoke, and we listened. And there’s definitely no misunderstanding either, because uhm everybody was clearly talking about ‘spicy’ hot,” said one particularly sweaty Planning Committee spokesperson in a recent release.
The rescheduled festival will also bring back the famous “bed races,” thanks to a generous sponsorship from Bed Bugs and Beyond. This event was previously discontinued as participants found the event to be “extremely sweaty” during summertime, bringing back uncomfortable memories of bed sweats and nightmares. In the winter, some of these risks are mitigated, so the races will go on.
However, not all citizens are happy with the change. Chastity Newman, representative for the Miami County chapter Protestant Rights League, worries that the festivities will take focus away from the birthday of Jesus Christ, referred to by most Christians as “Christmas.”
“Jesus had never seen a strawberry in his life, and now we’re expected to change the deserts dishes we bring for all the Christmas potlucks? No, absolutely not,” commented Newman. Despite these completely reasonable concerns, the festival planning continues to move along as planned.
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Update 4/15: We have made an apology for some of the comments made in our article. You can view the update here.