NEWTON TOWNSHIP, OH – The Newton Township Board of Trustees announced Friday morning a bold new vision for tourism to the township. Omnicom Group, headquartered in New York City, will be taking on the project of expanding the townships burgeoning tourism industry. Omnicom Group is the largest marketing firm holding company in the US, with revenues upward of $15 billion per year. TBWA Worldwide, a subsidiary of Omnicom Group, will be taking on the project. The firm is known for developing the famous Taco Bell Chihuahua ads of the late 1990s.
Following the success of neighboring Union Township’s push to become a midwest tech hub, Newton Township has seen an array of boutiques, hotels, and resorts begin development in the area. After Hard Balls Entertainment Group announced they were moving forward with a plan to acquire 500 acres in the township for development of a new casino/sex dungeon, it was clear Newton Township needed to take tourism more seriously.
“What you need to understand is this isn’t going to be some kind of lame-ass middle-aged swingers club. This is going to be a hot ass, Kink type of castle sex dungeon thing. People will be rock fucking hard.” said Rickey Gorgenberg, CFO of Hard Balls Entertainment Group.
Amid the COVID-19 pandemic, plans have slowed on development, leading Newton Township to look toward outside help to manage their growth and make sure they have a successful opening of their first full tourism season, slated for summer of 2021. Despite economic pressures, the Board of Trustees is betting on tourism in their long term planning. “Our ass is gonna be in a toaster if we don’t come up with some way to push forward on this” said board chairman Russell Renwick. “We already got major kickbacks on 80% of those projects, and those Hard Balls people do not fuck around, so we look at this as an insurance policy more than anything.”
Trustee Jim Jarrlesson parroted these fears. “The first meeting we were in, one of the dudes pulled out a creepy looking dildo thing and just held it through the meeting. It was seriously chilling, like, why just hold that? What are you trying to say? And it had a bunch of spikes and shit. Look, I’m not going anywhere near those people if I don’t have to, but the cash is good.”
While specific details about the project have been under wraps, previous tourism campaigns TBWA have managed have been valued in the range of $20 million. TBWA famously put Camden, NJ on the map as one of the most popular tourist destinations in the country. Keep your eyes glued to the Miami County Bugle Caller for up to the minute updates on this story.