Stay Inside! A Large Spillage of Baked Beans Is Creeping Towards Miami County

Stay Inside! A Large Spillage of Baked Beans Is Creeping Towards Miami County

MIAMI COUNTY – If you needed another warning to stay inside, here it is. Reports from Montgomery County reveal that the Bush’s Baked Bean factory in Vandalia is leaking beans through the back door of the facility, creeping northbound towards Miami County.

Investigators stated that the leak occurred late Tuesday night, just 1 day after all employees left the facility for the stay-at-home order. However, somebody left on the bean boiler, and an ocean of baked beans has flooded the area.

An anonymous employee tipped to MCBC that some workers may have purposefully flooded the beans in an act of protest, as the baked bean industry was not deemed “essential” by the government. As Mike DeWine said himself, “everybody already has at least 5 cans of unopened baked beans in their cabinets. We’ll be okay if operations cease.”

Now the beans are spreading, and Tipp City is about to get smothered. Residents on the northern edge of town claim that they can see the sea of beans creeping over the horizon.

“It’s coming,” said Becky Trements of Tipp. “You can smell and taste them from here. I worry for my life, and most importantly, my home’s new white vinyl siding.”

The beans are moving at a pace of about .03 MPH, giving locals plenty of time to protect themselves from the spillage. We recommend sealing all doors and windows, and staying indoors for the next 3 months. 

Most locals do not realize that freshly baked beans can multiply, so we warn that the situation could get much, much worse. Please do not pour any chemicals on the beans, in case someone is hungry. This is a matter of public health.

If a family member or friend emerges from the beans, be sure to hose them down before they enter your home. We would hate to overwhelm our nation’s carpet cleaners.

Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller for all breaking baked bean news. Stay inside, and be safe!

Gaavin San Pellegrino

MCBC Field Reporter. Cat lover. Guitarist. Double-shot of red-eye espresso.

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