MIAMI COUNTY – The County Jail has released all inmates for 30 days to prevent the spread of COVID-19 (Coronavirus) in its facilities. Though no confirmed cases have been found within the jail, the decision was made for general safety reasons.
“We prioritize the health and safety of our inmates and employees alike. In order for a safer future, we know this is the right thing to do,” said jail spokesperson Lisa Schtitz. “We hope we’re setting a good example and other jails will do the same.”
Jail officials strongly believe that all inmates will return to the facility in mid-April, so nobody misses the tip-off for the annual County Jail Basketball Tournament.
“Our tournament is better than March Madness anyways,” said Schtitz. “And since that’s cancelled, we’re expecting thousands of fans to tune into our games on Channel 74. The revenue could help us expand to a full-court arena.”
Jail officials claim that their facilities will be amongst the cleanest for large groups of people, with extreme sanitary measures as inmates re-enter. Purell baths and hazmat suits will be available to all visitors.
Police will also be handing out coronavirus drug testing kits in the jail’s parking lot, where there will be a live tailgating event for the big tournament. Since there will be a maximum of 100 people allowed at the tailgate, ticket prices are expected to start at $698.
For those worried about the health of the security guards, don’t. They seem to have it figured out.
“I know everything that comes in and out of this place, so believe me, I’d rather stick around the jail than go back out into the wild. Plus I get the luxury of live hoops, like I’m Drake courtside or something,” said Matthew Macklehenry, a security guard since 2014.
However, inmates who choose not to return will have to live outside at their own risk.
“For me it’s like, man, it’s like I ain’t never known nothin’ but jail my whole life for the past 11 months. Now I have to go outside and there’s coronisvirus [sic] out there? Nah, maybe for a little, but I feel better indoors, in bars, you feel me” said inmate Jeremy Kornish.
Keep your eye out for inmates seizing the day, and be sure to wash your hands with extra detail. Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller for all updates on public health and jails.