TROY – A territorial battle between grocery giants may have gone too far, as Walmart Inc. has announced plans to open an “urbanized” Walmart convenience store in downtown Troy.
The new Walmart location will be a small, storefront, tucked into downtown Troy’s square. Corporate architects cite “Amazon Go” stores as inspiration for the design.
The city already holds a fine platter of big box retailers, with a Walmart, Meijer, and a newly renovated Kroger Marketplace all within city limits. Walmart Inc. has clearly had enough of the competition.
“As soon as Kroger opened that damn marketplace, we knew we had to act. They had olive bars, craft breads, smelly cheeses, and all kinds of fancy bullshit,” said one corporate spokesperson.
“We planned to deploy the first no-checkout Walmart in a bigger market, but we really wanted to give a big f-you to Kroger for taking our share of Troy business,” said the spokesperson.
Walmart spokespeople also mentioned the ease of setting up the new convenient store, which won’t require any employees thanks to its no-checkout surveillance features.
“Sure, it won’t bring new jobs to the area, but locals should still be excited to experience this. There will still be the typical Walmart greeter, except it’s just an old android named Eugene.”
Separate from this chaos, Meijer is desperate to get in on some of the attention. One employee leaked to the city’s zoning committee that there is a plan to build a small amusement park outside of Meijer’s garden center, but nobody really cared.
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