MIAMI COUNTY – Everybody knows that the Miami County Bugle Caller is dedicated to bringing you the edgiest local news, no matter the risk. That’s why we sent some unpaid interns to interview Miami County’s most notorious drug dealer.

His identity is anonymous, but his stories are genuine.

MCBC: So, how long have you been selling the “stuff?”

Dealer: It started when I was 13, I started flipping catnip to kids around the junior high. 1 year later, I was slinging 8ths of weed for $100 bucks each. It was 60 bucks profit every time. I knew I was good at doin’ this shit

MCBC: Wow. Those are some impressive margins. What do you sell nowadays?

Dealer: I probably shouldn’t tell you, but the shortlist is cocaine, pot, ketamine, PCP, peyote, beer, kush, shrooms, angel dust, and spice. I’m definitely forgetting a few, but you know. Supplies come and go. I’m just another middle man.

MCBC: When finding clients, how do you keep yourself secure?

Dealer: My clientele is screened from my little brother, who goes to elementary school in Troy, so it’s all pretty low-risk from my end. 

MCBC: I imagine there are at least 15 middlemen between you and the source, correct?

Dealer: That’s about right. I mean, people always say they directly know the source, but they’re just lying.

MCBC: Wow, I’ll never look at my jenkem dealer the same again.

Dealer: Yeah, especially jenkem dealers.

MCBC: …

Dealer: …

MCBC: So, how do you deal with undercover cops?

Dealer: I just don’t reply to any texts from strangers. I also don’t deal with any Facebookers since that guy from Troy got arrested for selling flower buds to an undercover cop.

MCBC: How do you know we don’t have the cops waiting outside to arrest you?

Dealer: Because then you wouldn’t have a jenkem dealer.

MCBC: Haha… If you could give one piece of advice to a sketchy young entrepreneur, what would you tell them?

Dealer: Don’t even try to sling anything in my territory because I’ll have to blow this shit up the second I see you somewhere you shouldn’t be. I’ll be able to smell you rollin’ down Market Street in a Civic that needs its oil changed from a mile away, and we’ll be there to repo that shit the second you park it. 

MCBC: Wow, I think that’s a good note to end this on! Thanks so much for your time.

Dealer: You got it chief. Stay cool and don’t smoke Juuls.

For more high-risk journalism, be sure to subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller on all platforms.