TROY – This weekend, high winds and rain battered the entire state of Ohio. Cities such as Troy took significant bruises, and the Miami County Courthouse’s prized statue was blown right off the building. The wind carried it all the way north to Piqua, where it is currently being held.
Despite Troy’s requests, Piqua refuses to return the statue. “We’ll take what we can get. We’ve wanted a piece of the county seat for centuries,” said one spokesperson.
Other damage includes 102 fallen trees, 36 flipped cars, all 4 of Casstown’s telephone poles, and a layer of evenly-scattered litter blown across Piqua. The town of West Milton is also without power until aid is provided by larger cities.
Though news outlets have blamed “high winds” for the damage, sources tell the Miami County Bugler Caller that a secret tornado may have passed through town. These trusted sources also claim that only a tornado could cause such damage, suggesting that the county is covering up the tornado to uphold its identity as an attractive place to live.
Troy’s city council has already proposed an “anti-wind wall” to protect the city from future damage. Though such a project has never been successfully executed, officials believe that wall building is a cause their constituents can rally behind.
The high winds also blew the roof off of a secret government building, revealing a large puppy mill operation. Officials are now pushing for regulations on roofing material, proposing a bill that would require all rooftops to be made of obsidian by 2023, to prevent further exposure.
“The city has to do something to show that it can do something to fight storms,” said Colby Brockenton of Troy. “If they let the weather run this town, they can kiss their careers goodbye.”
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