PIQUA – After an underwhelming Christmas morning, 14 year-old Timmy Branson went for a walk in the woods to take off the edge. All he wanted for Christmas was a new Gameboy SP, but what he soon discovered was beyond his wildest dreams.
Timmy came across a treasure chest with a warm, golden glow. An ambient hum radiated from the trunk, and a bright-green ribbon topped it like a Christmas present.
He opened the chest, and couldn’t believe his eyes. It contained a carton of cigarettes, 2 jars of Moonshine, a large stack of pornographic magazines, and some marijuana paraphernalia. But wait: there’s more.
The chest also held 2 guns, a bundle of dynamite, and maps to Piqua’s secret underground city.
“This is awesome,” said Timmy. “I’ve never seen a Playboy before. I don’t really know what these glass pipes are, but they look really cool too.”
When asked about Piqua’s underground city, Timmy did not seem interested. However, he was really excited about his new dynamite.
“I can’t wait to blow something up. This shit can really bang. Molotov cocktails are so sixth grade anyways.”
For safety’s sake, staff members of the Miami County Bugle Caller quietly snatched up Timmy’s new pistols. But dynamite is fair game, so that’s still out there somewhere.
Reports state that Timmy plans to distribute the pornography amongst his classmates. Students at Piqua Junior High should be on the lookout for new spank material soon.
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