TROY – This week, Hobart Brothers revealed plans to start manufacturing their own army of intellectual supersoldier robots. In 2020, the company plans to produce over 80,000 soldiers to protect the nation from impending doom.
Since the early 1900s, Hobart has been a leader in productivity and operation costs when it comes to manufacturing big and small metal things. After years of putting flame to metal making blenders and countless kitchen appliances, the company is shifting focus.
All students and employees at Hobart facilities will undergo mandatory training to blueprint, weld, and train their own personal robot assistants. The robots will come equipped with 6 different languages, including Braille-textured fiber optics for blind welders.
Hobart VP Daniel D. Dickerson released a statement on the matter. “Right now we are welding as many robot frames and circuitry to create a mass army for world domination. And that’s exactly what we are going to do. We are going to dominate the market with intellectual supersoldier robots.”
Hobart started with humble beginnings, dating back to Charlie Clarence Hubert Cumberdale Carnegie Mellon Hobart’s days as a fork salesman. In 1914, he found his true calling and invented the world’s first welder. Over 100 years later, Charlie’s invention is still paving the way for tons of washers, dryers, and meat grinders to hit the shelves this holiday season. But once the new year begins, it’s all about the supersoldiers.
The first batch of robots have already been issued to the military, at the request of the president’s big hands. With groundbreaking AI technology, the military claims that these robots will be the smartest, fastest, and strongest sapiens known to man. And of course, they will be under total control by a mainframe that has a failsafe installed for any potential disasters.
To top it off, Hobart is issuing an action figure for the holidays to promote and raise awareness for their new robots and technology. The figurine is a life-sized model of the robot, standing at 7 feet tall, and 100% identical to the supersoldiers in development. The model boasts a sleek Tesla-like design with lasers mounted on each arm, and rockets built into the shoulder pads.
Though some parents worry that the action figure is dangerous, it’s going to be the hottest toy on the market. Pick one up for your kid so they don’t look like a loser compared to their friends.