MIAMI COUNTY – This week, an notice was issued to all Miami County residents with a shocking statement banning snow plow usage on all streets and roads. The government funded “Heat Blaster” has been put into full effect as state legislators and safety experts have deemed plows as “too dangerous and destructive to roads and human lives.” 

This comes on the heels of a series of violent and brutal snow plow accidents and attacks across Ohio, where in one instance a plow pushed little Timmy into a well.

Senior leaders of Bethel Township’s Safety Committee held a press conference where they revealed further plans to replace plows and keep the streets clean from hazards. “We’ve been working with Elon Musk and Tesla to develop the future of clearing roadways. We are proud to announce our new self-automated Humvee with lava-fueled mounted lasers.” 

Experts suggest that the new vehicle will be able to withstand the harshest conditions, and be manned by two people at a time to operate and use the heat blaster cannon. The Humvee uses a sleek new design never before seen by the public. 

“With a fully customizable adamantium body and ammunition core allowing for the use of molten lava propelled at extreme speeds to vaporize any snow or ice, we are also able to condense and capture the liquid and turn it into fresh spring water. From this point, the water is collected and bottled for kids and families in need of clean water in Africa,” said Musk’s team.  

The safety committee boasted that with at least 4-6 inches of snow on the ground, you could quench the thirst of thousands of thirsty children in a matter of minutes. So what happens when all these hill jacks with their Ford trucks and duct taped snow plows can’t complete contracts this winter?

Well, you guessed it! Most people are going to have to grab a good ol’ snow shovel and complete contracts by hand, or apply for the new government appointed heat blast jobs. Whether you’re a rootin’ tootin’ Piqua Indian that loves pushing white fluff while your exhaust turns it into dark matter, or just the kid from Home Alone trying to make a buck, this change will have a tremendous effect on everyone this winter. 

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