TROY – After weeks without rain, the City of Troy agreed that it was time for a call to the gods.
For the past month, Miami County experienced an extreme lack of rainfall, taking a large toll on crop production, and preventing planting of small grains. Wells dried up, grass turned brown, and the Knoop Baseball Complex hadn’t flooded in weeks.
“We must resort to weather modification rituals,” stated Director of Safety, Pat Tippington. “I don’t think our lands can survive much longer.”
After a unanimous vote, the Council summoned Jim O’Doul, a local shaman. Though he’s clearly not an authentic shaman, he had claimed responsibility for various polar vortexes, and most importantly, had Troy City Council’s trust in his abilities.
“Ever since I was a wee little boy, I could hear the voices of the Gods in my head. At times, I’d perform my ritual, and all of the sudden – the trees would flutter, the sky would turn dark, and a flash flood would strike the earth as I closed my eyes,” said O’Doul, in a brief release to the Miami County Bugle Caller.
And he was true to his word, as O’Doul successfully performed a rain dance around the downtown Troy’s water fountain on Sunday, September 29th.
Prior to the ritual, O’Doul told locals to grab their umbrellas and sump pumps. “When it rains… it pours,” warned O’Doul. He began making mysterious chants, flailing his arms and rubbing his genitals over the downtown Troy fire hydrants. He then lit a marijuana cigarette and began blowing it in the faces of various City Council members, before declaring, “my work here is done”. O’Doul then left the square wearing only a loincloth.
Shortly after, a cloud formed – and a healthy shower rinsed the land, showing locals that magic can be real sometimes. Crops were saved, and a few small ponds formed within Knoop Baseball Complex, putting everything back to normal.
Follow the Miami County Bugle Caller for all news relating to local rain rituals and other weather-modifying ceremonies.