A swarm of wasps was recently spotted in Darke County, and appears to be heading eastbound towards Miami County. The swarm will first pass through Covington, before spreading across the county. Here’s how locals can protect themselves, and stop the swarm in its tracks before Miami County is doomed:
1. Covington Locals: Lather Yourself in Honey and Ride North
Covington residents, this one has your name all over it. The swarm is heading through your town before any other. If you lather yourself in honey, and roll around in pine needles, you’ll serve as the perfect distraction to lure the swarm away from the rest of the county. Just hop on a bicycle and ride to the north, and lure these vile beasts as far away from the county as possible. Don’t think of it as a suicide mission, as you’ll be saving the lives of hundreds of noble locals. But yeah, you could definitely die trying this.
2. Freeze Yourself
You heard that right. Go freeze yourself. It’s extremely unlikely for wasps to head towards the cold, so it’s time to open up the fridge and pray for safety. Another common option is heading to Speedway’s Beer Cave, where there’s plenty of booze to hold you over until the swarm has passed. There are no signs for loitering, so you can hang out there as long as you please – but only if you tell the clerk that you’re “still browsing.”
3. Don’t Wear Yellow
This one is pretty simple. Don’t wear yellow, or you’ll be dead in minutes.
4. Place 10+ Demonic Gnomes in Your Front Yard
Garden gnomes are great for scaring away small rodents, pests, and children. Demonic Gnomes take it to the next level. Place 10 of them in your front yard, and the swarm of wasps will be cursed upon arriving at your home. Any less than 10 and you might as well have brought a knife to a gunfight. You’ll probably also scare off neighbors, children, pets, and mailmen – which can be a good thing if you want people to stay the fuck off your lawn.
5. Seek Asylum at Ginghamsburg Church
If you’re not comfortable with any of the previous options, you can hide away like a coward in Ginghamsburg Church. They’re opening their doors to all locals who cannot defend themselves against the swarm. Please keep in mind that if wasps make it into the building, everyone is completely screwed. Disease can also spread quickly if any unhealthy guests enter the premises. The church is not performing medical checks at the door, so it’s fair game upon entry.
Please make sure to consider these tips before it’s too late. It’s important to protect yourself from the swarm, because wasps can leave bad boo-boos, and you don’t want to pick up too many ouchies before summer ends. Subscribe to the Miami County Bugle Caller for real-time updates on the swarm – and don’t come whining to us if you’ve been attacked and ignored this valuable advice.