PHONETON – The Town Phone has been reelected to the office of the Mayor of Phoneton for his 126th consecutive term. One local resident, now 78, recalls that the Town Phone “was always the one thing that connected the town. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t be here.”
AT&T Town Phone has been one of Phoneton’s most involved members since its unincorporation back in 1893. The rival candidate in the mayoral race, Town Post Office Drop Box, ran a fear-based campaign in which he claimed that such a focus of power could create an “oligarchy.” His calculation that anti-elite rhetoric would be key to winning in rural Phoneton turned out to be wrong, as Town Phone is recognized as a champion of the common man, bringing the unincorporated community into the 20th-century, and comfortably keeping it there.
Town Post Office Drop Box, in his stump speech, recalled a time when jobs were secure, and people used the postal service more frequently.
“Nobody seems to want or need to send messages on paper anymore. Everyone in Phoneton lines up to use Town Phone, and completely passes me by. This is bad for all of us! I promise you! Phoneton needs to diversify away from phones, and there needs to be a seasonal power shift because look around you, we don’t even have a McDonalds.”
Not everyone in Phoneton is feeling the effects of the alleged economic stagnation sworn by Town Post Office Drop Box. Before last Thursday’s voting, the Miami County Bugle Caller pulled up to the garage for an exclusive interview with Town Mower. He expressed that he has seen lots of use and feels perfectly at home here in the depressingly wide-open, though deliciously green spaces of Phoneton.
“If there truly is anything that defines this town, it is the need to constantly be mowing down some fucking grass. There are just so many goddamn wide open areas of grass that would be so very long if I didn’t cut them down. Am I going to be voting for Town Post Office Drop Box, you ask? You serious, dude? Yeah, I’m cool. I’m fully utilized around here. Not sure what Town Post Office Drop Box’s deal is, but he’s never made any sort of noise in the past election cycles.”
And the beat goes on as Town Phone was sworn into office this morning at the Town Intersection, where he was greeted with beeping and cheers from car windows. The Miami County Bugle Caller, observing from the only news van sitting at the Town Intersection, is the first outlet to report the Phoneton Mayor’s major policy for his upcoming term: to bring the community its first Wendy’s.
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