Troy has a strange tradition of hosting mysterious statues in its downtown limits. Just 4 years ago, the city welcomed a 30-foot statue of Abraham Lincoln in the Miami County Courthouse’s front yard. This year, the statues tell a different story. Here are 6 things you never knew about Troy’s statues:

1. They have souls.

The idea of the soul is bound by the idea that life exists after death. It’s considered the ultimate principal in which we think and feel – independent of the physical body. So what would make a statue any different? They have souls too. And if you don’t believe me – check out this next factoid:

2. They shift with the phases of the moon.

The moon’s rotation is tidally locked by Earth’s gravity, so the statues react accordingly. During a waxing gibbous, the statues shift 2 centimeters to the east. On full moons, the statues lay face-down like a plank on the sidewalk. This phenomenon occurs between the hours of 3 and 4 AM, so be sure to camp out on the square to see for yourself.

3. They hate the concerts on Prouty Plaza.

Some statues have no choice but to attend every concert at Prouty Plaza this summer – and they absolutely hate it. “I’m really not a fan of trumpet ensembles or cover bands. I’d prefer some industrial noise or post-rock.” Another statue indicated that he’s “dreading the Mayor’s Concert next month, because the bands always smoke weed behind the stage.” 

4. If you honk their noses, they will start to cry.

Don’t honk their noses – it makes them extremely uncomfortable. They’re defenseless and hate getting picked on. It’s like those times in childhood when your older brother’s friend would hold you down so your brother could teabag you. Don’t you remember the tears you cried? Be considerate and do not honk their noses.

5. They are filled with sour cream.

It is widely understood that hollow statues are more prone to damage, due to a lack of interior support. It’s just too easy to break through the exoskeleton. A buffer zone of sour cream makes the statue more dense, and only gets stronger over time. The cream curdles, creating a thick caulking a la cement. Please don’t crack open the statues, as it smells terrible when they leak.

6. This one is behind Sub House?

Have you seen this one? Apparently it’s behind Sub House, near the movie theater and police station. It’s 4 times the size of the other statues, and we do not recommend bringing your children near it. If you piss it off, it will turn red and scream at your kids.

We hope you’ve learned 6 new things about Troy’s statues. Be sure to follow the Miami County Bugle Caller for more interesting factoids and timely news.